Why do I need to be so impulsive to do everything I can just to make sure you are okay? I really don't get it. Why do I need to put myself in shame when I couldn't even face you, Once you said you are hungry I go all the way just to bring you food and make sure you have something to eat? Why am I trying to be responsible for you? Asking myself am I trying to win you back? After sending the food, i don't know what the fuck is going through my mind. Depressed and feeling lethargic, I really don't think I'm able to face this coming depression. I guess its time to let it be and stop fighting, I'm tired and all I wanted was just to find peace and serenity. Its time to stop fighting against what I believe, what my mother taught me, what is right and wrong, it does not matter anymore. There's nothing more for me to continue my life and push my limits for this world, being too matured? There's nothing to be proud of, what you have been through? No one bats an eye.
Last night we had so many deep conversation, I don't even know what to feel, sad? angry? frustrated? also doesn't matter anymore. Feeling no longer is important, will not change the facts that you will come back. I really don't know what to do anymore, losing hope as time pass. I no longer hope to have a future, anything to do in the future doesn't persuade me nor motivate me to continue living. What should I do? Suicide? Knowing her, she will only put the blame on herself. Faking to be happy? I couldn't anymore, this is why I couldn't see her, I couldn't look her in the eyes and say I'm okay. I felt shame all over myself, because in everything I do, I do for her, YET its still not enough. The way you told me I am so good, listen to you, helping you when you needed someone, every single thing you told me, its like an arrow piercing through me, I don't know what's worse, you not accepting me, or you are trying to convince me. Nothing went through, at the same time now, I felt I'm bringing depression to all the people surrounding me.
I think of you every single second I can, wondering will you even think of me? Will you even remember me? Or I'm just another nobody passing through your life without you realizing. It breaks my heart every single time when I'm thinking about you, my own mind is pushing me to the negativity side, breaking me. I don't want to spread sadness, because people do have their own meaning of life and they are still fighting for it, it used to have the fire at that time, but it just fade away. Looking at this short 8 years of mine, NOTHING I am proud of, house? car? career? lifestyle? There's not even a spark of happiness I felt. This is not the thing I want, but its a stage of life that is needed for me to pursue my goal/dream. But now when you disappear, everything disappear with you, walking slowly away from me, I don't know weather i should chase after you or let you slowly walk away, because both will not stop you walk away.
Yet another day, of constantly thinking about you, not eating, not sleeping, not working properly, I don't know when will this end, Or maybe it will end when I die. Let us see then.....
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