Happy Ending?

I remember the first time I look you in your eyes, I was instantly fallen in love. There's where I know, I have to muster all the courage to confront you, even when I know I'm all messed up and unable to trust people. There's nothing I would like to change about you, the kindness in you, the warmth of your heart, the way you put other people above you, I'm in love. Looking back and remembering the reasons you gave me was because you were forced, It devastated me. I lost another person i cared the most, its the worst feeling I felt in my whole living years. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work, regretting every single second of my life knowing we are so perfect together yet we can't be together. Remembering the time where my mother passed away, the very first feeling that hit me was regrets, this is different. I really really did my best in every way possible I know it in my bones you were the one, we could be the perfect two. Learning that you left me for him, I don't even feel cheated or angry, Why? Because i love you more than hate itself. 

Devastated and depressed, I don't know how to continue on, knowing you were just one hand away, and I couldn't pull you towards me. I don't know which I hated more, my person or my life. Frustrated with my own capabilities, this is yet another situation i'm not good enough. I don't know if I can still continue on with all this guilt and regret carrying over my shoulders. Promising myself in the past, I will put every single efforts I can to make sure I wont look back in pain and regret because of how naive and childish I was. Now I wonder aimlessly without any conscience, don't know what to feel, don't know where I will end up to because when you left, my heart went with you. You coming into my life its almost like a dream, its too perfect, even i couldn't believe is happening to me, is it because I deserve it? due to all the hardship I've gone through? Now its just a dream, where I can only dream about us and I don't want to stop dreaming.

Having to suffer from heartbroken, depression is coming knocking, the last time i faced depression, I almost let it take over me, having suicidal thoughts and trying take matters into my own hands because there's nothing for me in this world I look forward for my future. I don't even think I will have a future. 14 stitches on my hand is nothing compared to what u break in my heart. I don't feel any pain, even there's pain I couldn't feel it. I don't know what will happen to me, but I know I'm not ready to move on nor fight this coming depression. Anything happen to me, Its my choice, I do hope those friends and family that stuck with me through thick and thin, I am blessed to meet every single one of you, who didn't give up on me and continue sticking through with me, I hope you will find a good meaning to your beautiful life.

To Miss T, I don't know what to say anymore, I really really do miss you, No matter what i do everyday, my mind will automatically included you, doesn't matter food, lifestyle, work, entertainment, leisure, I don't know why, its my mind making a fool out of me? laughing at me failing in life? Only thing all I can say is, Yes, I have no regrets meeting you, meeting you brought new life to my life when i was at the lowest moment in my life, thinking there's still hope left. Loving you is the best thing happened to my life, and I will keep it till my grave. Its not your fault, don't ever put fault and blame on yourself, you will not going to enjoy life to the fullest. I don't think I will ever be your Mr right, but I do hope you can find someone that can give you everything you wanted, because clearly i failed. You deserve all the best thing in life, because  you are so pure and kind. Please don't let society and outside world mold you who you not born to be. Be true to yourself, keeping your roots, I will be happy.

As for me now, I have no idea how to continue my journey, living not living, not my priority anymore. I would just breath, as long as I can breath, I'll continue. If there's anything happen to me, I'll be glad to go, I do not fear pain nor death. Just come at me.