Let us see then....

Why do I need to be so impulsive to do everything I can just to make sure you are okay? I really don't get it. Why do I need to put myself in shame when I couldn't even face you, Once you said you are hungry I go all the way just to bring you food and make sure you have something to eat? Why am I trying to be responsible for you? Asking myself am I trying to win you back? After sending the food, i don't know what the fuck is going through my mind. Depressed and feeling lethargic, I really don't think I'm able to face this coming depression. I guess its time to let it be and stop fighting, I'm tired and all I wanted was just to find peace and serenity. Its time to stop fighting against what I believe, what my mother taught me, what is right and wrong, it does not matter anymore. There's nothing more for me to continue my life and push my limits for this world, being too matured? There's nothing to be proud of, what you have been through? No one bats an eye.

Last night we had so many deep conversation, I don't even know what to feel, sad? angry? frustrated? also doesn't matter anymore. Feeling no longer is important, will not change the facts that you will come back. I really don't know what to do anymore, losing hope as time pass. I no longer hope to have a future, anything to do in the future doesn't persuade me nor motivate me to continue living. What should I do? Suicide? Knowing her, she will only put the blame on herself. Faking to be happy? I couldn't anymore, this is why I couldn't see her, I couldn't look her in the eyes and say I'm okay. I felt shame all over myself, because in everything I do, I do for her, YET its still not enough. The way you told me I am so good, listen to you, helping you when you needed someone, every single thing you told me, its like an arrow piercing through me, I don't know what's worse, you not accepting me, or you are trying to convince me. Nothing went through, at the same time now, I felt I'm bringing depression to all the people surrounding me.

I think of you every single second I can, wondering will you even think of me? Will you even remember me? Or I'm just another nobody passing through your life without you realizing. It breaks my heart every single time when I'm thinking about you, my own mind is pushing me to the negativity side, breaking me. I don't want to spread sadness, because people do have their own meaning of life and they are still fighting for it, it used to have the fire at that time, but it just fade away. Looking at this short 8 years of mine, NOTHING I am proud of, house? car? career? lifestyle? There's not even a spark of happiness I felt. This is not the thing I want, but its a stage of life that is needed for me to pursue my goal/dream. But now when you disappear, everything disappear with you, walking slowly away from me, I don't know weather i should chase after you or let you slowly walk away, because both will not stop you walk away.

Yet another day, of constantly thinking about you, not eating, not sleeping, not working properly, I don't know when will this end, Or maybe it will end when I die. Let us see then.....

Happy Ending?

I remember the first time I look you in your eyes, I was instantly fallen in love. There's where I know, I have to muster all the courage to confront you, even when I know I'm all messed up and unable to trust people. There's nothing I would like to change about you, the kindness in you, the warmth of your heart, the way you put other people above you, I'm in love. Looking back and remembering the reasons you gave me was because you were forced, It devastated me. I lost another person i cared the most, its the worst feeling I felt in my whole living years. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't work, regretting every single second of my life knowing we are so perfect together yet we can't be together. Remembering the time where my mother passed away, the very first feeling that hit me was regrets, this is different. I really really did my best in every way possible I know it in my bones you were the one, we could be the perfect two. Learning that you left me for him, I don't even feel cheated or angry, Why? Because i love you more than hate itself. 

Devastated and depressed, I don't know how to continue on, knowing you were just one hand away, and I couldn't pull you towards me. I don't know which I hated more, my person or my life. Frustrated with my own capabilities, this is yet another situation i'm not good enough. I don't know if I can still continue on with all this guilt and regret carrying over my shoulders. Promising myself in the past, I will put every single efforts I can to make sure I wont look back in pain and regret because of how naive and childish I was. Now I wonder aimlessly without any conscience, don't know what to feel, don't know where I will end up to because when you left, my heart went with you. You coming into my life its almost like a dream, its too perfect, even i couldn't believe is happening to me, is it because I deserve it? due to all the hardship I've gone through? Now its just a dream, where I can only dream about us and I don't want to stop dreaming.

Having to suffer from heartbroken, depression is coming knocking, the last time i faced depression, I almost let it take over me, having suicidal thoughts and trying take matters into my own hands because there's nothing for me in this world I look forward for my future. I don't even think I will have a future. 14 stitches on my hand is nothing compared to what u break in my heart. I don't feel any pain, even there's pain I couldn't feel it. I don't know what will happen to me, but I know I'm not ready to move on nor fight this coming depression. Anything happen to me, Its my choice, I do hope those friends and family that stuck with me through thick and thin, I am blessed to meet every single one of you, who didn't give up on me and continue sticking through with me, I hope you will find a good meaning to your beautiful life.

To Miss T, I don't know what to say anymore, I really really do miss you, No matter what i do everyday, my mind will automatically included you, doesn't matter food, lifestyle, work, entertainment, leisure, I don't know why, its my mind making a fool out of me? laughing at me failing in life? Only thing all I can say is, Yes, I have no regrets meeting you, meeting you brought new life to my life when i was at the lowest moment in my life, thinking there's still hope left. Loving you is the best thing happened to my life, and I will keep it till my grave. Its not your fault, don't ever put fault and blame on yourself, you will not going to enjoy life to the fullest. I don't think I will ever be your Mr right, but I do hope you can find someone that can give you everything you wanted, because clearly i failed. You deserve all the best thing in life, because  you are so pure and kind. Please don't let society and outside world mold you who you not born to be. Be true to yourself, keeping your roots, I will be happy.

As for me now, I have no idea how to continue my journey, living not living, not my priority anymore. I would just breath, as long as I can breath, I'll continue. If there's anything happen to me, I'll be glad to go, I do not fear pain nor death. Just come at me.